THE ROLE OF THE MOTHER IN JUDAISM

Ronnie Cohen

Introduction

This paper was written based on interviews that I conducted with three local Rabbis who described their forms of Judaism as either trans-denominational, “flexidoxy,” or Jewish renewal. All 3 Rabbis have children, 2 are mothers, and 1 is a father.  In addition, my research was gathered from multiple texts as well as articles on the internet.

The role of the mother in Judaism

To say that the mother’s role in Jewish culture has a rich tradition would be a major understatement.  Women have had a prominent position in Judaism, starting with Genesis – Eve, the first woman, was commanded to “be fruitful and multiply.” While this may seem chauvinistic, it was, at a minimum, an essential role to ensure the survival of Judaism.

In our historical view of the Jewish community, the men focused on their scholarly pursuits while the women bred, ran the household, raised and educated the children, and supported the family – the Jewish mother was the original multi-tasker.

In a Jewish home, the wife and mother is called akeret habayit which means the “mainstay” of the home.  It is the mother who primarily determines the character and atmosphere of the entire home.   G-d demands that every Jewish home should have a Jewish character, not only on Shabbat and the holidays, but everyday.  What makes a Jewish household fundamentally different from that of non-Jews is that a Jewish home is run according to the directives of the Torah and for this reason it becomes a home for G-d’s presence and a home for

G-dliness.  It is the woman’s job to facilitate G-d’s presence in the household to be felt every day of the week. Mealtimes are not just for indulging in eating, but consuming kosher food as a sacred service to G-d.  The relationship between husband and wife is also consecrated by the observance of Jewish law.  Other womanly obligations include instilling the love of G-d, the joy of performing mitzvot (commandments), and making Torah, mitzvot, and Jewish tradition forever present in the family.  The mother in a Jewish home had the primary responsibility for all of this, and, as a result, Judaism has always had great respect for the importance women have in carrying out those responsibilities and the ensuing spiritual influence that women have over the family.

In fact, the duties of a woman as a wife and mother were so important that they could not be postponed to in order to fulfill a mitzvah – the children and family came first!  It is this exemption from certain mitzvot that has led to the greatest misunderstanding of the role of women in Judaism.  Many people have confused exemption with prohibition.  Woman are not required to perform a mitzvah shehazman gramah (a mitzvah that has to be performed at a particular time) yet they are generally permitted to observe such mitzvot if they choose.  This exemption was seen as diminishing the role of the woman in the synagogue but, as previously noted, while Jewish life may have revolved around the synagogue, ultimately it was centered on the home, where mother was Malkah (Queen). 

In Jewish tradition there are three mitzvot that are specifically reserved for women: nerot, challah, and niddah.

The first of these mitzvot is nerot or hadlakat – the privilege of lighting candles to mark the beginning of Shabbat or a holiday.  The lighting of the candles is the beginning of the sacred time in the home.  This mitzvah is a rabbinical mitzvah rather than a mitzvah from the Torah.

The second traditional women’s mitzvah is challah, separating the portion of bread that was given only to the Kohein (priest) to eat in ritual purity during the times that the Temple in Jerusalem existed.  Have you noticed that on boxes of the Passover matzah there is usually a notation that says “Challah Has Been Taken,” which means that this mitzvah has been fulfilled for the matzah. 

The woman’s third mitzvah is the Taharat Hamishpacha – family purity. The laws of Taharat Hamishpacha revolve around the intimate relationship between husband and wife. Married couples make a commitment to express their love for one another within the rhythm of the woman's menstruation cycle. For about 2 weeks they refrain from any physical contact – for the wife is considered a niddah – from the root word 'nadad' – to separate. Then she undergoes spiritual preparedness, and only after she prepares herself to immerse in the mikvah (a ritual bath) can they resume marital relations. Like hunger, thirst, or other basic instincts, sexual desire must be controlled and channeled, satisfied at the proper time and place, and in the proper manner. When sexual desire is satisfied between a husband and wife at the proper time, out of mutual love and desire, it is a mitzvah.

Traditionally, women also had the responsibility to name their children.  When Isaac’s wife Rivka gave birth to her twin sons Esau and Jacob, she noticed that the second one was holding onto the elder’s heel, and that is why she named him Yakov (Jacob) – which comes from the Hebrew word “akev” meaning heel.  Throughout the bible, it is always the mothers that named their children, never the fathers.

Not only was the faith of the mother the determining factor for a child to be Jewish or not, but the child of a Jewish mother was considered blessed. The love of a Jewish mother for her children is notoriously so fierce that one has to wonder what Sarah was thinking when Abraham displays his unquestioning faith and obedience to G-d’s will and binds his beloved and long-awaited son and heir, Isaac, to the altar.  As the story goes, the angel of G-d stops Abraham at the last minute, at which point Abraham discovers a ram caught in some nearby bushes. Abraham then sacrifices the ram in Isaac's stead. Because of the significant role that Sarah plays in the family story of the deep longing for a child, the long period of infertility, the festive birth and subsequent celebration, her absence in this central biblical story warrants an explanation that is not found in the biblical text.  Does Sarah know about G-d’s command? If so, does she go along with Abraham without a fight?  If she is not aware at the time, does she ever find out? 

In another story, Hannah, the wife of Elkanah, is also barren and wants more than anything to have a child.  Grief-stricken with her barrenness Hannah takes action, turning to prayer – directly to G-d.  Her prayer is in the form of a vow, entering into a bargain with Adonai while still stressing her subservience to him.  Her commitment is that if G-d remembers her and grants her a son, she will return him to G-d, dedicating him to a life of priesthood.   When Hannah’s prayer is answered, she appropriately names her son Shmuel (Samuel) meaning “I asked G-d for him.”  When the time comes for Hannah to fulfill her end of the deal, she finds ways to put it off.  When Elkanah goes before the priest for their annual sacrifice, Hannah stays home, saying she must stay home until Samuel is weaned.  When Hannah finally feels she can no longer delay keeping her promise, she takes Samuel to Eli, the High Priest, and reluctantly presents the boy to him saying, “For this child I prayed.” One feels how hard it is for Hannah to give up what she so longed for, but also how grateful she is to G-d for having granted her prayers.  She found another way (lending her son to G-d) to express her faith and obedience rather than offering him as a sacrifice. Might Sarah have done the same? 

Today, traditional roles have, of course, changed.  Expectations are far less clear cut, and there is more opportunity for women to fulfill their own missions in their own personal styles. Fathers also have more impact in the home.  As stated by one rabbi interviewed for this paper, “There has been a major paradigm shift that re-balances the energy of the masculine and the feminine – moving from a ‘G-dly perspective’ to a divine feminine perspective that brings forth motherly compassion and devotion.  This profound shift has come from personal prayer and song, from listening instead of doing.”

In addition to the role-centered tasks of mothering, the spiritual perspective, which revolves around how G-d is guiding our lives, has a strong influence on how children are parented by their Jewish mothers.  Another rabbi (also a mother) that I interviewed said her parenting was “guided by her relationship with G-d through her listening to how she was supposed to be.”  

When I asked the same Rabbi how being a “Jewish mother” differs from mothers of other religions, the answer was that “every part of our daily lives is infused with Jewish values, community and practices.  We show our gratitude with blessings, have our own minchah/rituals that inform how we live. My friends raise their children with consciousness and strong values. However they do so without the historical roots – without the lineage that reflects our strong tradition as Jews.”

According to traditional Judaism, women are endowed with a greater degree of “binah” (intuition, understanding, intelligence) than men.  The rabbis inferred this fact that woman were “built” (Genesis 2:22) rather than “formed” (Genesis 2:7) and that the Hebrew root of “built” has the same consonants as the word “binah.”  It has been said that the matriarchs (Sarah, Rebecca, Rachel and Leah) were superior to the patriarchs (Abraham, Isaac and Jacob) in prophecy. Some traditional sources suggest that women are closer to G-d’s ideal than men.

Now I would like to bring forth my personal experience having been raised by a Jewish mother and father in a very Jewish neighborhood in lower upstate New York.  As a matter of fact, my upbringing was so culturally Jewish that until I went to college, I thought everyone was either Jewish or black!  I had never experienced Jews as a minority until my college roommate in real upstate New York told me I was the first Jew she ever met!

Growing up Jewish, but not at all religious, it was not clear to me when I married, why I wanted to marry a Jew. I knew it would make my parents happy, yet I was an independent educated young woman who knew I had choices.  Something pretty deep in my psyche told me it was the right thing to do, and I somehow managed to find a very nice Jewish boy in Santa Fe, NM!  When I called my parents to tell them I was going to get married, they were thrilled that not only was he Jewish, but he was an architect and he went to MIT!  That was a triple – a home run would have been if he were a doctor!

As a young wife and mother I instinctively took on the role of Jewish mother, primarily focusing on Jewish ritual with which I was familiar, such as saying the Shema to my daughters when I tucked them in at night and lighting the candles on Shabbat.  All of my Jewish girlfriends had married goys so I also took on a community role of having Passover Seder, Rosh Hashanah, and Kol Nidre dinners at my house – all of this done, as naturally as brushing my teeth or combing my hair.

So, without the formal religious education and without the biblical knowledge, being a Jewish mother is just who I am.  Having recently lost my own mother, I can’t help but reflect on the words that my sister spoke at her funeral.  “My mother was fierce, fun and focused.  She was creative, courageous and caring.  She was a lioness when it came to taking care of, protecting, or defending her children.  She licked our wounds and would send us back out to the world again, instilling in us that we could do anything we set our minds to do, like her.”

My mother was a working mom – unusual in the 50’s.  Although she was not home to bake cookies for me when I got home from school, she was so very present in imprinting in me the essence of a Jewish mother in her values and behaviors.  Although she worked hard and long hours ever day while raising her children, family came first, her children were her life, and all else was a distant second!

My mom taught me many things, including to say “poo poo kunaherra” after describing something good that happened so as to not jinx it.  So I will end this reflection on Jewish mothers by saying “poo poo kunaherra” for all the Jewish mothers in this world who infused their families with Jewish values, community, and practices based on a rich tradition, steeped deeply in lineage that reflects our strong tradition as Jews. 

On a lighter note, I cannot end this presentation/paper without of course telling some Jewish mother jokes.

CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS' JEWISH MOTHER:
"I don't care what you've discovered, you still should have written!"

MICHELANGELO'S JEWISH MOTHER:
"Why can't you paint on walls like other children? Do you know how hard it is to get this off the ceiling?"

NAPOLEON'S JEWISH MOTHER:
"All right, if you're not hiding your report card inside your jacket,
take your hand out of there and show me!"

GEORGE WASHINGTON'S JEWISH MOTHER:
"Next time I catch you throwing money across the Potomac, you can kiss your allowance good-bye!"

THOMAS EDISON'S JEWISH MOTHER:
"Of course I'm proud that you invented the electric light bulb. Now
turn it off and go to sleep!"

ALBERT EINSTEIN'S JEWISH MOTHER:
"But it's your senior photograph! Couldn't you have done something
about your hair?"

MOSES' JEWISH MOTHER:
"That's a good story! Now tell me where you've really been for the last
forty years."

Bibliography

Drucker, Malka. Women and Judaism, Westport: Praeger Publishers,2009.

Dubov, Nissan Dovid. “What is the role of woman in Judaism?” http://www.chabad.org/library/article_cdo/aid/108397/jewish/Woman-in-Judaism.htm

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Women_in_Judaism

“Judaism 101: The Role of Women,” http://www.jewfaq.org/women.htm

Robinson, George. Essential Judaism, New York: Pocket Books, 2000.

Schachter-Shalomi, Zalman. Jewish with Feeling, New York: The Berkeley Publishing Group, 2006.